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F-A-W-N
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Or how many times can I use the word “fuck” in one piece of writing? I tend to think about my nervous system only when I am feeling fucking nuts: the escalation of flight, the shutdown of freeze. I know this kind of dysregulation all too well. These are my steadfast, vigilant companions, and…
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Hospice, Take 2
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Three of Swords from Tarot of Mystical Moments by Catrin Welz-Stein, Reversed. Hospice for Haters Hospice for the Hopeless Hospice for Healers? The last syringe of morphine I administered to my mother on her deathbed was met with a clamped jaw, pursed, unyielding lips, and tears rolling down her cheeks. I will probably never…
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What I mean when I say…
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The 10 of Swords from Tarot of the Mystical Moments by Catrin Welz-Stein The title of this essay comes from Annie Kotowicz’s short and sweet memoir, What I Mean When I Say I’m Autistic. Consider this a set of CliffNotes to my experience of neurodivergence and related subjects. In each section, I will share…
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Neurotypical Failure
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The Moon from Mystical Moments Tarot by Catrin Welz-Stein For most of my life, I’ve felt like a failure. A rather fair-to-middling one, I grant you—I did have loads of privilege and a cussed determination to fall back on—but a failure nonetheless. Let’s get right to it. I started struggling—and failing—young. My entire academic…
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Be like Becky.
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I admire this human endlessly. I marvel at her regularly. She was a rare and brilliant gem. Today is Becky’s birthday, and boy, do I miss her. I miss her warmth, her charm, her talent, her goofiness… I even miss the feeling of being so much less—less charming, less impressive, less popular, all of…
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Upon 51
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Kiddo and I had an archery lesson. I managed a few bullseyes. The rest were hers. Today is my 51st birthday. If I ever have moments of doubt about how well loved I am, all I need to do is remember how, each year on June 10th, the tiny computer in my pocket practically…